Love letters in lockdown

I heard you snoring last night. You even do that passionately. And a giggle gurgled from deep within me as I pictured your corpse like sleeping position. Hands on your heart with your head tilted upward, the sweetest smile firmly planted on your face. 

And I wondered as I lay a few breaths away, unable to sleep, with my mind wondering in circles around lock down realities, how the hurry and mundanity of everyday had perhaps taken something from us, maybe even the simple joy of hearing you breathe?

As I lay awake I wondered have I stopped gigging at your quirks? The times when your lip twitches when you think. The loud shouts of joy thrown at any random life moment that you deem worthy of passionate response. The way you open the fridge 1,2,3,8,9 times a day hoping that miraculously some form of tasty treat will leap out at you from inside. The strange habits and familiar positions you sit in. The way your lap welcomes a child- your own or somebody else’s. The care you take in preparing a table. The way you read half books and call them finished and the “you know what day it is?” statements when our favourite anything is about to happen. The moments you create like Pancake Saturdays and they way you make even the most difficult of times feel like it’s definitely going to be ok.

Have I become distracted with everyday that I’ve perhaps ceased to see the way you look at our kids? The way you gaze at your big girl whose almost as tall as me, the one who looks at you with great admiration and pride. The big little girl who sees life as you do, our deep thinker and kindest of souls. The sweet number 2 who pushes and pulls and calls for action and activity. The one who likes to physically challenge herself with speed and distance, competition and team work – not too different from you . The fierce yet gentle number 3 who idolises you, yet makes you work hard for affection and calls forth endless praise and connection. The one who challenges the way we think and calls us to higher intellectual ground by questioning why and how and what???

The boy who is you. Same same but different. Who tries new things and pushes boundaries. Who is fearless in his approach to life. Who is fun loving and gentle spirited and walks with a confidence we know will shape and shift his generation.

I wonder, have I missed the way you look at me? Those searching eyes and long gazes. The glances of mischief that still 13 years on make my knees go weak. Those let’s make it happen later eyes and the piercing eyes of deep thoughts and questions. I’m sorry if I’ve allowed familiarity and hurry to make these things seem less important than they are. They’re everything to me.

I wonder tonight if perhaps the ordinary has become so ordinary that I got lost in the ordinary-ness of it all.

And yet, (crazily so) it is in the ordinary that has made us. The looks and the words. The silent drives and moments to connect amidst the attention and clambering of young ones. The late night loving because we know we should and the long lingering kisses because it’s just so good. (I rhyme when I’m in feeling mode). The ordinary everyday is what has shaped and grown little hearts to value big things. To dream and see Jesus despite the cloud this world can envelope them in. 

It’s in the ordinary angry fights and the silent wars. The long winded conversations. The 5 minute daily catch ups. It’s the very plain. The very ordinary. The “everyday” things that have made us “US”. And tonight as I sit and ponder this US, in lockdown, I am smiling at who we are and who we have become in and throughout the very ordinary of days.

It’s in the dreaming and the planning. The message trails and often times confronting emails that have forged me and you. I still think we can be better. I still want more life. I know there is more trust. I suspect we need to learn how to fight friendlier and quicker- like a prolific team. But at the end of the day hearing you breathe still causes my heart to take on the same beat and breath. Everything feels right and safe when your breath is close. It fills the atmosphere with possibility, adventure, passion and grace. It brings my soul to a place of rest and I know. Like I know, like I know, like I know, that life with you is where I am my most brilliant and best self. My very ordinary best self.

And so I’m thankful today. Probably more than most for our ordinary, everyday, mundane selves. The very dust of us that is being fashioned and formed into something with flesh on. The very bones of us becoming a vast army. That even in 40 days of confinement you continue to be my spacious place. My joy and delight. Psalm 16 tells us THAT GOD GIVES US HIS BEST. I see it. I see you. You Dylan Michael, are God’s very best. And I throw up a simple THANK YOU to the One who has given me this best- in every season. Even in Lockdown lowdown you are the portion of heaven I receive with gratitude and deep thanksgiving. 

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