“Take a good LOOK at me God, I WANT TO LOOK LIFE IN THE EYE”. (Ps 13 MSG)
I’m grateful for these past few weeks fraught with pain, recuperation and family. They have gifted me the beautiful opportunity to “LOOK” at my life in the eye. A beholding, if you like, of the life that I get to live. Not the life I wish I had. Or the life that others want me to live. But rather my life.
The life of a woman. Navigating the emotions, hormones and pelvic floor stuff (ha its real people?)
The life of a wife. A life defined and marked by togetherness and partnership even when I’d rather be alone. Where I get to live with a man and all his idiosyncrasies (think the ever straightening of lines and couches). A life where the man I chose keeps pressing the status quo. Where mediocrity is not an option. A life where I will run further than I feel to or want to because his vision is bigger than mine.
The life of a young mother. Figuring out my womanhood as I help three girls embrace theirs. A life where everyday my choices deeply affect three small and impressionable little people. It’s rather a lot of pressure don’t ya think?
The life of a church leader pioneer. Where everything we are and do is shared and leveraged for as many people as possible. The good and the painful pursuit of leading and loving people (often times when we don’t have the answers ourselves).
The life full of the things that I love. Like clothes, cooking and books. (Call me shallow, it’s who I am!) The abundance that I know of life. The security. The education I have. The education my children will have. The options this will give them.
The life adventures we go on and the memories we make. The traveling of the road less travelled.
It’s not a picture perfect life. It’s not a life with thousands of followers and fans. It’s not a life that is spectacular to most. But when I look, I see beautiful because it’s mine. It’s been gifted to me. And I have the freedom to make something of it. It’s messy and somewhat mundane. But I get to decide what I will do with what I have been given. Will I use my life to make an impact on this earth or not? Will I leverage myself for others or will I not? Will I spend my days obsessing over what I do not have or will I rather look at all that I do have? This is the life I have and so instead of spending precious time building a life that is not for me, I want to explore what it looks like to live my best life today.
I think. (And well, maybe it is just me having a moment on holiday with my social media turned off. Who knows?) I feel we are all wasting precious breathing moments trying to live out lives that are not our own. We want what others have. From stories to homes, to bodies, to kids, to cars, to positions and titles. We desperately want something that is not ours to have. And at what cost? What do we lose when we sell ourselves out to some other version of us? I can’t handle the thought of living enslaved to the endless striving to be something that I, inherently, am not. I don’t want to be suffocated by comparison and impossible expectations. (Hello! Who can live up to Instagram anyway.) I don’t want that kind of life. And my hunch is neither do you. You want your best life, just as much as I want mine. It’s going to take extreme courage to become our, authentic and true selves in this generation but I am willing to dig deep to find me. I hope you will to.
Unscripted and unplanned this morning, I found myself on a secluded beach. And with the overwhelming melody of ‘I WILL BUILD MY LIFE’ blaring in my ears I couldn’t help but begin to dance. A dance of faith and hope. A dance that declared to nobody watching that I will build my best life, not upon my own efforts and not out of comparison and competition, but rather upon the unfailing love and grace of God. A love so wild that He gave me this opportunity of life in the first place. My heart felt the purest of joy as I LOOKED and gazed, and it was like I was awakened to the possibilities of my life once more. What could be if I pursued His version of me and not the carbon copy of something else? I couldn’t just stroll along the sand, I had to dance. Recklessly and passionately. One twirl and leap after the next, giving thanks for my life. And the hilarious thing is I am not a dancer. Not even a little bit. Or maybe I am. (Insert laughter) Maybe my inner prima ballerina has been hiding for all these years. Who cares anyway. The reality is I think I may have spent the latter years of my life holding in the “dancer” parts of me, but today, to the audience of ONE I let it all out. I drew a line in the sand to say I will not stop at the blurred vision of my true self. And neither should you.
I have struggled to finish this blog. (Like struggle street seriously!) Probably because this process is unfinished in me.
So I’ll leave you dear friends by encouraging you to find a beach somewhere. Take a moment to look YOUR life in the eye. And then ask yourself?
If I had nothing to prove to anyone: Who would I be and what would I do on this earth?